Right now I am full of anxiety and stress.
There is only one person whose presence would help.
Unfortunately that presence has been gone for quite sometime.
There are many times in the past few years where I could have used a laugh.
There is only one person whose ever got me to laugh like that.
Now, IF I ever run into you, it's awkward as hell.
I messed up.
It is MY fault.
I'm coming up on my 3rd year almost to the day, without you.
I talk as though you have died...
However, your still alive and thriving (or so I've heard).
I wish there was something I could do or say to get you back into my life.
I could really use a friend like you right now.
But do I deserve it?
You never judged me and always listened.
You were always there, and no matter what...
You stayed.
You stayed.
Against your better judgment.
You stayed.
You are not here now.
And that is my fault.
I pushed for you to stay.
I begged you to stay,
And that is what drove you away.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Stuck at the Mall...my worst nightmare....
Yep...where have I been since 11:30 this morning?? The Rivertown mall. I brought my car in to be fixed at Sears because that's the only place i trust to go...HOWEVER, i'm stuck here. It will be about 45 min until my car is completley fixed. What is wrong with it, one may ask?? WELL let me tell you...
1. My right wheel bearing is dead and getting replaced
2. my rear brakes are shot to hell and getting replaced
3. one of my wheel cylnders is about 90% gone and getting replaced
4. 2 of my coil springs are busted but are NOT getting fixed
5. They want to replace my strut mounting plate...but they are not.
OH YEAH, and i had to get an oil change...now if i WERE to get all of that done it would cost about $1,100. but since only 1-3 are being done it's only $714. There goes my bank account....
On a lighter note, i'm glad i brought a lot of homework here with me to do. I've gotten a good chunk done! BUT i had to pay $4 bucks to connect to the internet at the barnes and noble store...BOGUS! If i didn't have to, i wouldn't have, but i had to turn in an assignment by 5 pm today...so those 4 buck are worth the points...it's a larger assignment. It had to be done. So here I am, waiting, using up my internet time slot of 2 hours that i really won't use. 4 buck for 2 hours...BLAH! Oh well. whatever.
I'm driving up to Traverse City tonight to visit my family! :) We are all staying at close friends' place! :) The Fishers! They are our family's best friends. Too bad Sam won't be there...no...she had to be in the Netherlands...geez...way to be a world traveler and miss out on the family vaca! HAHA! Love you Sam! :)
I'm excited though. We're going to ski at Boyne. I haven't been there in about 2 years, it'll be nice to get back on those slopes.
I just glanced over at a rack of books and at the top there is a title: "11,002 things to be miserable about" and then two rows below it: "14,000 things to be happy about". I really want to go switch the order in which a person would view them. I really think that a. that miserable book shouldn't really exist, b. if it does exist (which it does) put it as close to the ground as possible c. at least there are more things to be happy about than to be miserable about :). I guess that would make that book "14,001 things to be happy about" haha. I'm a nerd.
mmm coffee has too much sugar in it....bah. i hate when i do that.
I wonder how many people actually do read this. The internet is a vehicle for stalking...haha. I don't really promote this page...i guess i really don't want to, but obviously i don't care if people read this...it's on the world wide web. I'm just weird sometimes, i guess.
Right now I'm reading an article "Postmodernism and Consumer Society" by Fredric Jameson. I'm pretty much ripping it apart right now because i have to write an essay on it for my Capstone. It's quite intriguing and raises a lot of questions in my head. Questions i really can't answer, they are more rhetorical, but at the same time, i do want them answered.
To me, I think a lot about our "pop culture" and how much of a consumer society we have become. It's always about the materiality of things and "individualistic" views. How we can rebel, how we can branch away from the norm, but when you think about it...all the people who are "lashing out", are doing so through the same styles and ways that have already been done before. You really want to show your individuality and your need to lash out from "the man"? Be original, can you? How are we able to create something 'new' from something old? We are taking old ideas and making them "new". We think since we've brought this "fad" back, we now own it because we are doing it a little different...but we're not, are we? Sometimes i feel that we CAN'T come up with our own ideas, not because we don't want to, but because we are not allowed to. How do i explain that? I don't really know...Maybe it's because we are being forced to look back on history, it's all we've ever done, so is that all we'll ever know? BAH! I don't even know if i am making sense....I really want everyone to read this article so they can help me understand! We talked about it in my Capstone...but my mind is going in a different direction than our discussion did.
Fedric gives us a poem as one of his examples of a schizophrenic language (one of the points he discusses in his essay) I would like to post it...not only do i really enjoy the language, i really enjoy the reason he wrote it. The Poet, Bob Perelman is a younger poet and is in the "school" known as the Language Poets... The poem is called "China" and i believe (don't quote me on this) was in response to some art work at a gallery in China...i'm not quite sure tho...
We live on the third world from the sun. Number three. Nobody
tells us what to do.
The people who taught us to count were being very kind.
It's always time to leave.
If it rains, you either have your umbrella or you don't.
The wind blows your hat off.
The sun rises also.
I'd rather the starts didn't describe us to each other; i'd
rather we do it for ourselves.
Run in front of your shadow.
A sister who points to the sky at least once a decade is a
good sister.
The landscape is motorized.
The train takes you where it goes.
Bridges among water.
Folks straggling along vast stretches of concrete, heading into the plane.
Don't forget what your hat and shoes will look like when
you are nowhere to be found.
Even the words floating in air make blue shadows.
If it tastes good we eat it.
The leaves are falling. Point things out.
Pick up the right things.
Hey guess what? What? I've learned how to talk. Great.
The person whose head was incomplete burst into tears.
As it fell, what could the doll do? Nothing.
Go to sleep.
You look great in shorts. And the flog looks great too.
Everyone enjoyed the explosions.
Time to wake up.
But better get used to dreams.
Ok. So it's random and wonderful. I love it. I have to go now tho, staring at a screen really hurts my eyes...OH and my car won't be done for another hour or so...BLAH! Maybe i'll put off my trip til tomorrow...boooo! My mom said it's snowing in TC and i don't want to be driving in the dark to TC while it's snowing...not a good idea. We'll see how the weather holds up. More to update tomorrow.
1. My right wheel bearing is dead and getting replaced
2. my rear brakes are shot to hell and getting replaced
3. one of my wheel cylnders is about 90% gone and getting replaced
4. 2 of my coil springs are busted but are NOT getting fixed
5. They want to replace my strut mounting plate...but they are not.
OH YEAH, and i had to get an oil change...now if i WERE to get all of that done it would cost about $1,100. but since only 1-3 are being done it's only $714. There goes my bank account....
On a lighter note, i'm glad i brought a lot of homework here with me to do. I've gotten a good chunk done! BUT i had to pay $4 bucks to connect to the internet at the barnes and noble store...BOGUS! If i didn't have to, i wouldn't have, but i had to turn in an assignment by 5 pm today...so those 4 buck are worth the points...it's a larger assignment. It had to be done. So here I am, waiting, using up my internet time slot of 2 hours that i really won't use. 4 buck for 2 hours...BLAH! Oh well. whatever.
I'm driving up to Traverse City tonight to visit my family! :) We are all staying at close friends' place! :) The Fishers! They are our family's best friends. Too bad Sam won't be there...no...she had to be in the Netherlands...geez...way to be a world traveler and miss out on the family vaca! HAHA! Love you Sam! :)
I'm excited though. We're going to ski at Boyne. I haven't been there in about 2 years, it'll be nice to get back on those slopes.
I just glanced over at a rack of books and at the top there is a title: "11,002 things to be miserable about" and then two rows below it: "14,000 things to be happy about". I really want to go switch the order in which a person would view them. I really think that a. that miserable book shouldn't really exist, b. if it does exist (which it does) put it as close to the ground as possible c. at least there are more things to be happy about than to be miserable about :). I guess that would make that book "14,001 things to be happy about" haha. I'm a nerd.
mmm coffee has too much sugar in it....bah. i hate when i do that.
I wonder how many people actually do read this. The internet is a vehicle for stalking...haha. I don't really promote this page...i guess i really don't want to, but obviously i don't care if people read this...it's on the world wide web. I'm just weird sometimes, i guess.
Right now I'm reading an article "Postmodernism and Consumer Society" by Fredric Jameson. I'm pretty much ripping it apart right now because i have to write an essay on it for my Capstone. It's quite intriguing and raises a lot of questions in my head. Questions i really can't answer, they are more rhetorical, but at the same time, i do want them answered.
To me, I think a lot about our "pop culture" and how much of a consumer society we have become. It's always about the materiality of things and "individualistic" views. How we can rebel, how we can branch away from the norm, but when you think about it...all the people who are "lashing out", are doing so through the same styles and ways that have already been done before. You really want to show your individuality and your need to lash out from "the man"? Be original, can you? How are we able to create something 'new' from something old? We are taking old ideas and making them "new". We think since we've brought this "fad" back, we now own it because we are doing it a little different...but we're not, are we? Sometimes i feel that we CAN'T come up with our own ideas, not because we don't want to, but because we are not allowed to. How do i explain that? I don't really know...Maybe it's because we are being forced to look back on history, it's all we've ever done, so is that all we'll ever know? BAH! I don't even know if i am making sense....I really want everyone to read this article so they can help me understand! We talked about it in my Capstone...but my mind is going in a different direction than our discussion did.
Fedric gives us a poem as one of his examples of a schizophrenic language (one of the points he discusses in his essay) I would like to post it...not only do i really enjoy the language, i really enjoy the reason he wrote it. The Poet, Bob Perelman is a younger poet and is in the "school" known as the Language Poets... The poem is called "China" and i believe (don't quote me on this) was in response to some art work at a gallery in China...i'm not quite sure tho...
We live on the third world from the sun. Number three. Nobody
tells us what to do.
The people who taught us to count were being very kind.
It's always time to leave.
If it rains, you either have your umbrella or you don't.
The wind blows your hat off.
The sun rises also.
I'd rather the starts didn't describe us to each other; i'd
rather we do it for ourselves.
Run in front of your shadow.
A sister who points to the sky at least once a decade is a
good sister.
The landscape is motorized.
The train takes you where it goes.
Bridges among water.
Folks straggling along vast stretches of concrete, heading into the plane.
Don't forget what your hat and shoes will look like when
you are nowhere to be found.
Even the words floating in air make blue shadows.
If it tastes good we eat it.
The leaves are falling. Point things out.
Pick up the right things.
Hey guess what? What? I've learned how to talk. Great.
The person whose head was incomplete burst into tears.
As it fell, what could the doll do? Nothing.
Go to sleep.
You look great in shorts. And the flog looks great too.
Everyone enjoyed the explosions.
Time to wake up.
But better get used to dreams.
Ok. So it's random and wonderful. I love it. I have to go now tho, staring at a screen really hurts my eyes...OH and my car won't be done for another hour or so...BLAH! Maybe i'll put off my trip til tomorrow...boooo! My mom said it's snowing in TC and i don't want to be driving in the dark to TC while it's snowing...not a good idea. We'll see how the weather holds up. More to update tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
doin' that thing you do
I'm feeling really under the weather right now, so this will be about it for the post today...
I got a text from Liz Brass and it made me smile A LOT! Love you Girley! :)
Ok...more insightful things to come
-That's All She Wrote-
I got a text from Liz Brass and it made me smile A LOT! Love you Girley! :)
Ok...more insightful things to come
-That's All She Wrote-
Monday, February 16, 2009
First's...
Just thought this would be fun to fill out...
1. Who was your FIRST prom date? Brian Harper (I imported him from Brighton High School)
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love? Nope.
3. What was your 1st alcoholic drink? I think it was a rum and coke? Haha, my family and I were in Traverse City at the Cherry Festival and my friend Sam and i were walking with her mom and she had a "water" bottle and we were fighting to get a drink because we both were SO thirsty. I got to it first and spit it out right away...it wasn't water! lol But I believe my FULL first drink was peppermint schnaps and dr. peper....NOT GOOD!
4. What was your FIRST job? Well, I unofficially babysat and worked for my Grandma...but my first REAL job was at a Veternary Assistant at Companion Animal Clinic in Tecumseh
5. What was your FIRST car? 2004 Forest Green Ford Focus (unfortunatly i crashed this the middle of my senior year....)
6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today? Cassie
7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning? I'm not sure...Jenny? Cuz i had to e-mail her and tell her i was sick and wasn't coming into work
8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher? Mrs. Meikle
9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? Pompono Beach, Flordia
10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk? My first Best Friend?? Hmmm uh, probably Samantha Rose Fisher...and yes we do still talk today! :)
11. Where was your FIRST sleep over? Prolly at Courtney's....i think...
12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today? My roommie, Colleen
13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? Either my Aunt Lisa's or my Aunt Brenda's...i can't remember...
14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? e-mailed my supervisor to let her know i couldn't come into work because i was sick and then i went back to sleep! :)
15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? Sharon, Lois and Brahm (that i can remember)
16. FIRST tattoo? I dont' have one....YET
17. First piercing? Ears
18. First foreign country you've been to? Canada
19. FIRST movie you remember seeing? Peter Pan
20. When was your FIRST detention? ummm i don't think i ever got detention....
21. What was the first state you lived in? Michigan
22. Who was your FIRST roommate? Erica, from DYLC...but that was only 2 weeks, so it would probably be Ashley when i moved to college
23. If you had one wish? this is not a first!! But i would wish for nothing and set goals then work to achieve them
24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance? I would like to learn about cars so i wouldn't feel like i'm getting screwed when i go to get it fixed...
25. Who was your FIRST real kiss? My first REAL kiss would be Dan Adair
1. Who was your FIRST prom date? Brian Harper (I imported him from Brighton High School)
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love? Nope.
3. What was your 1st alcoholic drink? I think it was a rum and coke? Haha, my family and I were in Traverse City at the Cherry Festival and my friend Sam and i were walking with her mom and she had a "water" bottle and we were fighting to get a drink because we both were SO thirsty. I got to it first and spit it out right away...it wasn't water! lol But I believe my FULL first drink was peppermint schnaps and dr. peper....NOT GOOD!
4. What was your FIRST job? Well, I unofficially babysat and worked for my Grandma...but my first REAL job was at a Veternary Assistant at Companion Animal Clinic in Tecumseh
5. What was your FIRST car? 2004 Forest Green Ford Focus (unfortunatly i crashed this the middle of my senior year....)
6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today? Cassie
7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning? I'm not sure...Jenny? Cuz i had to e-mail her and tell her i was sick and wasn't coming into work
8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher? Mrs. Meikle
9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? Pompono Beach, Flordia
10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk? My first Best Friend?? Hmmm uh, probably Samantha Rose Fisher...and yes we do still talk today! :)
11. Where was your FIRST sleep over? Prolly at Courtney's....i think...
12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today? My roommie, Colleen
13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? Either my Aunt Lisa's or my Aunt Brenda's...i can't remember...
14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? e-mailed my supervisor to let her know i couldn't come into work because i was sick and then i went back to sleep! :)
15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? Sharon, Lois and Brahm (that i can remember)
16. FIRST tattoo? I dont' have one....YET
17. First piercing? Ears
18. First foreign country you've been to? Canada
19. FIRST movie you remember seeing? Peter Pan
20. When was your FIRST detention? ummm i don't think i ever got detention....
21. What was the first state you lived in? Michigan
22. Who was your FIRST roommate? Erica, from DYLC...but that was only 2 weeks, so it would probably be Ashley when i moved to college
23. If you had one wish? this is not a first!! But i would wish for nothing and set goals then work to achieve them
24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance? I would like to learn about cars so i wouldn't feel like i'm getting screwed when i go to get it fixed...
25. Who was your FIRST real kiss? My first REAL kiss would be Dan Adair
I hang onto things.
I hang onto past thoughts,
past feelings,
past emotions...
I can't let go.
Sometimes I take it out on others who do not deserve it. I don't mean to, it just kinda happens. I don't realize that i am even "blaming" them until after the fact. I say things I should keep to myself. I am brutally honest when I really do not need to be.
Tequila should have a legal limit. After 3 or 4, you should be cut off. Tequila is my truth serum. It might one day, be the death of me. I guess that might be ok. It would be an honorable death. However, I'm hoping that day is no where near.
to switch directions (and days):
I've started a new blog...well actually Cassie (my best friend) and I have started a new blog. http://alandrasc.blogspot.com/ you should check it out! We have started a new promise to eachother! We are going to start eating healthy and exercising regularly! :) It's our promise for lent and hopefully we'll continue it afterwards. We still have to come up with guidelines for eachother and a lot of research! :) I'm excited.
I called in sick to work this morning...i don't really have a voice and i've been feeling disgusting lately, i had a fever all last night and this morning, it finally broke, but i still feel disgusting...it was probably my stupidity of being outside without the proper atire...oh well...i'm bound to get sick at some point!
Bah! I need to do my homework....ok, peace out lake trouts! I'm gonna get this other business done!
-that's all she wrote-
I hang onto past thoughts,
past feelings,
past emotions...
I can't let go.
Sometimes I take it out on others who do not deserve it. I don't mean to, it just kinda happens. I don't realize that i am even "blaming" them until after the fact. I say things I should keep to myself. I am brutally honest when I really do not need to be.
Tequila should have a legal limit. After 3 or 4, you should be cut off. Tequila is my truth serum. It might one day, be the death of me. I guess that might be ok. It would be an honorable death. However, I'm hoping that day is no where near.
to switch directions (and days):
I've started a new blog...well actually Cassie (my best friend) and I have started a new blog. http://alandrasc.blogspot.com/ you should check it out! We have started a new promise to eachother! We are going to start eating healthy and exercising regularly! :) It's our promise for lent and hopefully we'll continue it afterwards. We still have to come up with guidelines for eachother and a lot of research! :) I'm excited.
I called in sick to work this morning...i don't really have a voice and i've been feeling disgusting lately, i had a fever all last night and this morning, it finally broke, but i still feel disgusting...it was probably my stupidity of being outside without the proper atire...oh well...i'm bound to get sick at some point!
Bah! I need to do my homework....ok, peace out lake trouts! I'm gonna get this other business done!
-that's all she wrote-
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
it's all about the ben-jamin's, baby.
Do you ever wake up and just lay there and let your alarm go off half a dozen times before you actually get out of bed? I've found that I have to set 2 alarms. I'll set my first one about an hour ahead of what time i really want to wake up and let that go off for about an hour before i realize that i actually have to get up. My roommate did that today as well. I did not feel so alone.
After getting ready and hearing her alarm go off half a dozen more times then mine (and knowing she was suppose to leave by 9), i poked my head in there, apologizing all the while, and asked her if she really needed to get up and wondering if i was doing the right thing by poking my head in or not. She assured me that it was ok and i walked back to my room, almost embarrassed.
It was a lot colder than i thought it was going to be today. I walked down our ice packed stairs to my car and noticed a light layer of wonderful fluff on my car. Then I instantly thought, oh man...i can't reach the one side of my car to brush it off (because i have to park on the side of the street and the roads are never clear enough to get close enough but far enough where someone could get out of the car). I got into my car and put my bags in the passenger seat and got situated, only to get back out in the cold to brush off my car. Fortunatly for me, all i had to do was tap on the two side windows (from the inside) that i couldn't reach for the snow to fall right off. PERFECT. I thought. Now to give the windshield wipers a little push and only three windows to clear off now.
I get to the bus stop and park my car, and OF COURSE the bus is pulling away. "Good thing it comes every 6 minutes" i thought to myself. So i enjoyed one more song on the radio, turned off my car and walked the 100 feet to the bus stop. "Perfect" i said to myself, once again. I can see the bus coming from down the street, "Just in time for this one". Hoping, praying to myself that this one won't be crowded, i started to prepare to get on the bus. I have a sort of ritual. it's small and silly, but it helps a lot so i'm not clumsy once i sit down. I just have to take my shoulder bag off from across my chest and release one strap from my back pack so it's just a simple swing to the front of my body and an easy sit.
The bus driver greets us with a "Comeon, get on here, it's cold outside, you don't need to be standing out there anylonger than you need ta!" I really enjoy most of the bus drivers, they're usually very friendly and all smiley. They even wish you a good day as you walk off the bus.
Today, the driver seemed exceptionally chipper. I was almost inclined to ask him why he was so happy and where i can find me some....but then my mind was overtaken by the one question that was almost impossible to answer. You just had to make a choice and do it. This morning was not a morning for adventures. As i was walking to the back of the bus, i was scanning to see if i knew anyone and then there it was, there was my chance to actually, maybe, almost have a conversation with him, but i chickened out and sat two rows behind him in an empty pair of chairs. He was cute and in the very class i was on my way to. On our first day of class, he walked in and i thought he looked so familiar...i racked my brain all class to figure out if i really did know him or i just thought he was attractive. I finally figured it out about 2 days later after our next class. He looked like the lead from Avenue Q that i had saw a few short weeks before. Man, I'm really wishing this kid could sing right now. Then i wouldn't care how old he was. Ha, i think i'm just drawn to the fact that he looked like the lead from AQ...Anyways, i blew my chance.
I pulled out my book for nature writing and began to read. Nice, we get to read about this guy who thinks ants are being invasive to bees and kills them to help the bees. Even though i'm pretty sure the bees could have handled themselves. I could appreciate those articles before class (but we'll talk about that later). A few stops later, my friend gets on the bus and i motion her over to my empty seat right next to me. We start chatting for a while and realize we are extremly early for class. So we chatted some more. Class finally started.
We got our tests back and i thought i would have done pretty well, but alas, i did not. I stayed after to talk to the prof about the exam cuz he told me to. (longer story...don't worry about it...not my point i'm about to make). I was waiting in line to talk to him about it and there he was again. He looked back towards me and smiled a little bit and i immediately looked away. Well i gave him a little smile first. I don't know what inclined me to do so, but it just happend. It's like i really didn't have any control over what my body had just done. WOW, MOM, COW, i'm a nerd. Talked to the professor and everything should pan out, granted i get a's on the rest of my exams...HAHAHAHAHA ok. sure.
Ok, running late for my next class...shit, it's my psych exam. I don't even want to get started on this class. I thought i would like psych because that's my dad's life and i knew a little bit about it. But what this prof is asking from us is a little unreasonable. He's just a huge bag of douche and that's all i want to say about it. OH and i wanna kick him in the face all the time.
That exam did not go very well.
I meet my friend Lisa for lunch and we chatted for a little bit. Mostly small talk and then we got some reading done for our next class. Nature Writing. I was actually looking forward to this class today. Not only have i read it all, i had some pretty good points to make and a few questions to ask. But of course, what does the prof want to talk about? Anthropomorphism. That's all he ever wants to talk about. "Where in the text does the author anthropomorphatize the animals?" What about all the other aspects of the article, buddy? OH and how about not answering your own damn questions all the time?! Seriously, what's up with that? I was able to put in one little statement before getting bached and forgotten. He came back to it for a quick refrence, but then was gone again. Back onto what HE want's to talk about. I thought this was suppose to be an open discussion...but it just seems like he likes to hear his own voice.
Last class of the day! YES! I like my env. sci prof. He's goffy and can always make me chuckle just a little bit. The class wasn't as interesting as i had hoped for, but i answered a question and sounded really smart! ha. Then it was time to look at our scantrons from the exam to see how we did on answering the quesitons....wellllllll that didn't go to well either.
Let's just say that I'm not in the best of moods right now.
I dragged myself to the bus stop and couldn't fit on the first one, so i waited for the second one. It was a lot less crowded on the next one. I'm glad i waited. I called my mom back and then called Cassie. Drats, no luck. Well the both ended up calling me back and it was glorious! Cassie and I got to talk for about an hour and a half. BEAUTIFUL! I vented, she vented. It was what i needed. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to pull me out of my bad mood.
I curled up on the couch and watched senseless television until Scrubs came on. I wish it could have made me laugh. However, i just think i was so closed off to the idea of a smile on my face that nothing would have made me laugh/smile/smirk.
I now sit here in my bed, procrastinating once more. i have an article i want to read, but i'm gettin really impatient with my mind. It keeps wandering off to other things. i can't focus on the reading. I keep thinking. It would be ok if i were thinking of the article, but i'm not. I just want these things to stop running through my head, please?! BAH! I just really wish...ah, wishes are no good anymore. They give us unrealistic hope. it's like the movies gave us unrealistic happy endings...that shit just doesn't happen.
-that's all she wrote-
After getting ready and hearing her alarm go off half a dozen more times then mine (and knowing she was suppose to leave by 9), i poked my head in there, apologizing all the while, and asked her if she really needed to get up and wondering if i was doing the right thing by poking my head in or not. She assured me that it was ok and i walked back to my room, almost embarrassed.
It was a lot colder than i thought it was going to be today. I walked down our ice packed stairs to my car and noticed a light layer of wonderful fluff on my car. Then I instantly thought, oh man...i can't reach the one side of my car to brush it off (because i have to park on the side of the street and the roads are never clear enough to get close enough but far enough where someone could get out of the car). I got into my car and put my bags in the passenger seat and got situated, only to get back out in the cold to brush off my car. Fortunatly for me, all i had to do was tap on the two side windows (from the inside) that i couldn't reach for the snow to fall right off. PERFECT. I thought. Now to give the windshield wipers a little push and only three windows to clear off now.
I get to the bus stop and park my car, and OF COURSE the bus is pulling away. "Good thing it comes every 6 minutes" i thought to myself. So i enjoyed one more song on the radio, turned off my car and walked the 100 feet to the bus stop. "Perfect" i said to myself, once again. I can see the bus coming from down the street, "Just in time for this one". Hoping, praying to myself that this one won't be crowded, i started to prepare to get on the bus. I have a sort of ritual. it's small and silly, but it helps a lot so i'm not clumsy once i sit down. I just have to take my shoulder bag off from across my chest and release one strap from my back pack so it's just a simple swing to the front of my body and an easy sit.
The bus driver greets us with a "Comeon, get on here, it's cold outside, you don't need to be standing out there anylonger than you need ta!" I really enjoy most of the bus drivers, they're usually very friendly and all smiley. They even wish you a good day as you walk off the bus.
Today, the driver seemed exceptionally chipper. I was almost inclined to ask him why he was so happy and where i can find me some....but then my mind was overtaken by the one question that was almost impossible to answer. You just had to make a choice and do it. This morning was not a morning for adventures. As i was walking to the back of the bus, i was scanning to see if i knew anyone and then there it was, there was my chance to actually, maybe, almost have a conversation with him, but i chickened out and sat two rows behind him in an empty pair of chairs. He was cute and in the very class i was on my way to. On our first day of class, he walked in and i thought he looked so familiar...i racked my brain all class to figure out if i really did know him or i just thought he was attractive. I finally figured it out about 2 days later after our next class. He looked like the lead from Avenue Q that i had saw a few short weeks before. Man, I'm really wishing this kid could sing right now. Then i wouldn't care how old he was. Ha, i think i'm just drawn to the fact that he looked like the lead from AQ...Anyways, i blew my chance.
I pulled out my book for nature writing and began to read. Nice, we get to read about this guy who thinks ants are being invasive to bees and kills them to help the bees. Even though i'm pretty sure the bees could have handled themselves. I could appreciate those articles before class (but we'll talk about that later). A few stops later, my friend gets on the bus and i motion her over to my empty seat right next to me. We start chatting for a while and realize we are extremly early for class. So we chatted some more. Class finally started.
We got our tests back and i thought i would have done pretty well, but alas, i did not. I stayed after to talk to the prof about the exam cuz he told me to. (longer story...don't worry about it...not my point i'm about to make). I was waiting in line to talk to him about it and there he was again. He looked back towards me and smiled a little bit and i immediately looked away. Well i gave him a little smile first. I don't know what inclined me to do so, but it just happend. It's like i really didn't have any control over what my body had just done. WOW, MOM, COW, i'm a nerd. Talked to the professor and everything should pan out, granted i get a's on the rest of my exams...HAHAHAHAHA ok. sure.
Ok, running late for my next class...shit, it's my psych exam. I don't even want to get started on this class. I thought i would like psych because that's my dad's life and i knew a little bit about it. But what this prof is asking from us is a little unreasonable. He's just a huge bag of douche and that's all i want to say about it. OH and i wanna kick him in the face all the time.
That exam did not go very well.
I meet my friend Lisa for lunch and we chatted for a little bit. Mostly small talk and then we got some reading done for our next class. Nature Writing. I was actually looking forward to this class today. Not only have i read it all, i had some pretty good points to make and a few questions to ask. But of course, what does the prof want to talk about? Anthropomorphism. That's all he ever wants to talk about. "Where in the text does the author anthropomorphatize the animals?" What about all the other aspects of the article, buddy? OH and how about not answering your own damn questions all the time?! Seriously, what's up with that? I was able to put in one little statement before getting bached and forgotten. He came back to it for a quick refrence, but then was gone again. Back onto what HE want's to talk about. I thought this was suppose to be an open discussion...but it just seems like he likes to hear his own voice.
Last class of the day! YES! I like my env. sci prof. He's goffy and can always make me chuckle just a little bit. The class wasn't as interesting as i had hoped for, but i answered a question and sounded really smart! ha. Then it was time to look at our scantrons from the exam to see how we did on answering the quesitons....wellllllll that didn't go to well either.
Let's just say that I'm not in the best of moods right now.
I dragged myself to the bus stop and couldn't fit on the first one, so i waited for the second one. It was a lot less crowded on the next one. I'm glad i waited. I called my mom back and then called Cassie. Drats, no luck. Well the both ended up calling me back and it was glorious! Cassie and I got to talk for about an hour and a half. BEAUTIFUL! I vented, she vented. It was what i needed. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to pull me out of my bad mood.
I curled up on the couch and watched senseless television until Scrubs came on. I wish it could have made me laugh. However, i just think i was so closed off to the idea of a smile on my face that nothing would have made me laugh/smile/smirk.
I now sit here in my bed, procrastinating once more. i have an article i want to read, but i'm gettin really impatient with my mind. It keeps wandering off to other things. i can't focus on the reading. I keep thinking. It would be ok if i were thinking of the article, but i'm not. I just want these things to stop running through my head, please?! BAH! I just really wish...ah, wishes are no good anymore. They give us unrealistic hope. it's like the movies gave us unrealistic happy endings...that shit just doesn't happen.
-that's all she wrote-
Sunday, February 1, 2009
25 random things
This is the 25 random things that i keep getting tagged on facebook...i thought i'd put it up here, cuz i really liked it. I thought a lot about it and i don't know. I like it up here.
1. Ok. Yes, i am doing this again, but only because i really don't want to do homework and i was tagged by a family member :)
2. I've always had this desire to really learn how to sing and play the piano and the guitar, but i've never had the time (or money) to take lessons. It's something i really want to do and i have an electric that i've taught myself a few notes and my lil' brother got me a mini keyboard...so hopefully, when i move out of this house, i will be able to get that stuff up here to school with me.
3. I hate the house i live in, but i ADORE all my roommates (for once).
4. I just found out that my wheat allergy is getting worse and i've been cutting out a lot of wheat in my diet. AND it just so happens, at random, that one of my roommates has Celiac's Disease and the other has a wheat allergy too! It's a good thing to have, but it's making my transition a lot easier (not to mention the fact that my mom is a nutritionist either...)
5. I know that i have a million people that love and support me unconditionally, but sometimes i just feel really abandoned.
6. I want to take a road trip with my cousin Rachael back to Oden Island. It's a magical place where all your troubles escape you. My grandparents used to own a cottage there and it was the most magnificant place on the earth. It's hard to describe...just think of your favorite place and multiply it by 100 and you're not even close. It's my favorite place in the world.
7. I love teaching people about what i do. Having an intellectual conversation about art is one of my favorite things to do. I also like teaching people how to throw on the wheel because i learn from them as well. Everyone has their own special way once they learn the basics....it's amazing
8. Cassie Seymour is my rock. I've never met anyone like her before. It boggles my mind how close we are to being the same person. I'm so glad she's my best friend.
9. When Jimmy (one of my younger brothers) and I were little, we had a HUGE costume box and we would find the most rediculous outfits and wear them around the house and even outside. My friends and I would put on "shows" as well. You never knew what to expect. We would lip-sync, dance, do "acrobatics", act, put on short performances for the neighbors. I had a HUGE side yard and we would bring the "performing mat" out and everyone knew it was time for a show.
10. I blame my dad for my pyromaniac tendencies. He's the one who introduced me to fire.
11. After years of constant fighting with my parents, they are now my best friends. And even Jimmy and I are starting to get along.....WEIRD, i know.
12. I am actually enjoying all my classes this semester....even though they are really tough/a LOT of work (Logic, Psych, Nature Writing, Environmental Science, Capstone and an independent study in metals)
13. When i graduate i want to travel, i mean really travel. Not do the touristy things, i want to go spelunking in a cave and find my own gemstones. I want to hike everywhere and build my own campsite. I want to go overseas and really capture the beauty that i've only seen in movies. I want to go to little galleries and museums in Italy, Germany, Scotland, Ireland, the Netherlands everywhere. I want to see the cathedrals and their flying buttresses. Anyone wanna come/help me? I wouldn't know where to start....
14. No matter what anyone says, I like my independence. It's both a curse and more importantly a blessing. It might get in the way of certain things at times and i might complain, but i know that when the time is right, it will happen. I just want everyone else to believe that for me too.
15. One of the most important life lessons i've learned that has really hit home lately is that, In order to let someone else in, you really have to learn to love yourself and The Lord completely. (right Julia?)
16. I have the self confidence i never thought i would have. (and trust me, it's confidence, not cockyness)
17. My family means the world to me and i wish i felt like i was as important to them as they are to me....
18. One of my favorite things to do when i'm all alone in my house is practice my pirouettes...or i'll do it any place where there is no body around (or looking)
19. One time, when i was in a production of footloose, i went onstage with my pants unzipped...luckily it was the hallway locker scene where Ren had his first run-in with Willard and one of the other cast members saw it (it was before any of the leads got on stage)...and he looked down and told me and so i acted like it was planned that way and zipped it back up all dramatically and what not...it was a great improv scene and we got a good chuckle from the audience. Oh boy, do i miss performing
20. My senior year, our youth group put on a mystery dinner of a Who done it? It was a Who Killed Bob Barker theme and I played a crazy lady, mad cuz i didn't win anything on the show.
(don't worry, nobody really killed him...he was locked in a closet or was in the bathroom for a really long time...er something like that)
21. The summer after my freshmen year of h.s. my best friend (at the time) and I went to visit her dad in South Dakota. It was a small, small town of i think 67 people (69 including us for two weeks). There wasn't really anything to do...but there were some of her neighborhood friends from when she was little hanging around, but we weren't allowed to talk to them or hang out with them because they were skate borders....so instead, we hung out at her dad's place during the day and went to a rodeo and swam and what not....but at night, we would sneak out of her window (or door if her dad was really asleep) and go hang out with them. There was an old abandoned school/playground where we could hang out and hide. Trust me, when i say, sneaking out of a window like that, is not easy and it leaves bruises....
22. My first summer at blue lake, we were all (campers included) sitting at our first performance for the summer...it was an orchestra (i think..) Anyways, they have these things called "movements" and never being in band or really seeing a performance like this, i didn't really understand that you didn't clap IN BETWEEN them....Needless to say, my paper plate award was "....Most likely to clap in between movements..." The best part was, it was a middle school session (member this Julia? Clarke?) and the campers were told to look at the councelors if they weren't sure when they could clap or not.....WOPES...I learned my lesson.
23. I sometimes buy wine just for the bottle...i have a small collection of them. But my absolute favorite thing about that, is that whenever i see my Grandfather, he'll bring a few bottles of wine...and there is always a "fancy" one. He buys a bottle based on the shape and design just for me, cuz he knows i'll keep it afterwards.
24. I have a SLIGHT bag, hat and scarf fetish....
25. I'm a dog person. I like big dogs best tho.
1. Ok. Yes, i am doing this again, but only because i really don't want to do homework and i was tagged by a family member :)
2. I've always had this desire to really learn how to sing and play the piano and the guitar, but i've never had the time (or money) to take lessons. It's something i really want to do and i have an electric that i've taught myself a few notes and my lil' brother got me a mini keyboard...so hopefully, when i move out of this house, i will be able to get that stuff up here to school with me.
3. I hate the house i live in, but i ADORE all my roommates (for once).
4. I just found out that my wheat allergy is getting worse and i've been cutting out a lot of wheat in my diet. AND it just so happens, at random, that one of my roommates has Celiac's Disease and the other has a wheat allergy too! It's a good thing to have, but it's making my transition a lot easier (not to mention the fact that my mom is a nutritionist either...)
5. I know that i have a million people that love and support me unconditionally, but sometimes i just feel really abandoned.
6. I want to take a road trip with my cousin Rachael back to Oden Island. It's a magical place where all your troubles escape you. My grandparents used to own a cottage there and it was the most magnificant place on the earth. It's hard to describe...just think of your favorite place and multiply it by 100 and you're not even close. It's my favorite place in the world.
7. I love teaching people about what i do. Having an intellectual conversation about art is one of my favorite things to do. I also like teaching people how to throw on the wheel because i learn from them as well. Everyone has their own special way once they learn the basics....it's amazing
8. Cassie Seymour is my rock. I've never met anyone like her before. It boggles my mind how close we are to being the same person. I'm so glad she's my best friend.
9. When Jimmy (one of my younger brothers) and I were little, we had a HUGE costume box and we would find the most rediculous outfits and wear them around the house and even outside. My friends and I would put on "shows" as well. You never knew what to expect. We would lip-sync, dance, do "acrobatics", act, put on short performances for the neighbors. I had a HUGE side yard and we would bring the "performing mat" out and everyone knew it was time for a show.
10. I blame my dad for my pyromaniac tendencies. He's the one who introduced me to fire.
11. After years of constant fighting with my parents, they are now my best friends. And even Jimmy and I are starting to get along.....WEIRD, i know.
12. I am actually enjoying all my classes this semester....even though they are really tough/a LOT of work (Logic, Psych, Nature Writing, Environmental Science, Capstone and an independent study in metals)
13. When i graduate i want to travel, i mean really travel. Not do the touristy things, i want to go spelunking in a cave and find my own gemstones. I want to hike everywhere and build my own campsite. I want to go overseas and really capture the beauty that i've only seen in movies. I want to go to little galleries and museums in Italy, Germany, Scotland, Ireland, the Netherlands everywhere. I want to see the cathedrals and their flying buttresses. Anyone wanna come/help me? I wouldn't know where to start....
14. No matter what anyone says, I like my independence. It's both a curse and more importantly a blessing. It might get in the way of certain things at times and i might complain, but i know that when the time is right, it will happen. I just want everyone else to believe that for me too.
15. One of the most important life lessons i've learned that has really hit home lately is that, In order to let someone else in, you really have to learn to love yourself and The Lord completely. (right Julia?)
16. I have the self confidence i never thought i would have. (and trust me, it's confidence, not cockyness)
17. My family means the world to me and i wish i felt like i was as important to them as they are to me....
18. One of my favorite things to do when i'm all alone in my house is practice my pirouettes...or i'll do it any place where there is no body around (or looking)
19. One time, when i was in a production of footloose, i went onstage with my pants unzipped...luckily it was the hallway locker scene where Ren had his first run-in with Willard and one of the other cast members saw it (it was before any of the leads got on stage)...and he looked down and told me and so i acted like it was planned that way and zipped it back up all dramatically and what not...it was a great improv scene and we got a good chuckle from the audience. Oh boy, do i miss performing
20. My senior year, our youth group put on a mystery dinner of a Who done it? It was a Who Killed Bob Barker theme and I played a crazy lady, mad cuz i didn't win anything on the show.
(don't worry, nobody really killed him...he was locked in a closet or was in the bathroom for a really long time...er something like that)
21. The summer after my freshmen year of h.s. my best friend (at the time) and I went to visit her dad in South Dakota. It was a small, small town of i think 67 people (69 including us for two weeks). There wasn't really anything to do...but there were some of her neighborhood friends from when she was little hanging around, but we weren't allowed to talk to them or hang out with them because they were skate borders....so instead, we hung out at her dad's place during the day and went to a rodeo and swam and what not....but at night, we would sneak out of her window (or door if her dad was really asleep) and go hang out with them. There was an old abandoned school/playground where we could hang out and hide. Trust me, when i say, sneaking out of a window like that, is not easy and it leaves bruises....
22. My first summer at blue lake, we were all (campers included) sitting at our first performance for the summer...it was an orchestra (i think..) Anyways, they have these things called "movements" and never being in band or really seeing a performance like this, i didn't really understand that you didn't clap IN BETWEEN them....Needless to say, my paper plate award was "....Most likely to clap in between movements..." The best part was, it was a middle school session (member this Julia? Clarke?) and the campers were told to look at the councelors if they weren't sure when they could clap or not.....WOPES...I learned my lesson.
23. I sometimes buy wine just for the bottle...i have a small collection of them. But my absolute favorite thing about that, is that whenever i see my Grandfather, he'll bring a few bottles of wine...and there is always a "fancy" one. He buys a bottle based on the shape and design just for me, cuz he knows i'll keep it afterwards.
24. I have a SLIGHT bag, hat and scarf fetish....
25. I'm a dog person. I like big dogs best tho.
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